Heart broken.

By BearBear78 on Thu, 12-29-11, 03:34

Posted in Group:

in 2005, i gave birth to an amazing baby boy ... left the hospital with out him, as he was giving up for adoption. I know who he is today - he knows who i am. My husband and I were struggling, and could barely keep food in our house, for our other children. his and mine. "ours" came along - unexpectedly. We couldn't put our children, through, another mouth to feed. And at the same time, we don't believe in abortion. So we decided to give "ours" up. My heart breaks. I miss him soooo very much. And wonder daily, did we make the right decision. I know he is with an amazing family, who loves him dearly.
But I can't help but feel, I was wrong, and shouldn't have let him go. There is a part of me, that hates myself for that. And there is no one to talk to ... Not at all.. the husband he refuses to acknowledge. it's his way of dealing... No one knows, except the agency, & the adoptive family. I am dealing with this alone. And my heart hurts. I see him pictures, and all I can think is, he is happy - and as much as that warms my heart. I don't know what his laugh sounds like. I don't know the difference between his real and fake cries. I don't know when he got his first tooth, or said his first word, or took his first step. I don't know what he wore on his first day of kindergarten.
My heart aches, for the loss of the son, I never knew.

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By unknown8 on Thu, 12-29-11, 04:09

I am so sorry for your pain. You done what was right for all of your children at the time. Please don't be hard on yourself for the decision that you made. It does not make you a bad person, it makes you a kind, caring and loving person. You don't know how each scenario would have panned out if you had taken the other road, but you can't beat yourself up for it. Your son is loved and fed and clothed, you gave him that chance in life. He will love you for that in the long term. He knows in his heart that he is loved.

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By Anne-Marie on Thu, 12-29-11, 04:07

I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling,no-one but yourself and others that have been through the same will fully understand your pain you hold inside.But believe me,you really did do what was best for your child.Your son now has a life that you know you could not have provided for him due to your circumstances,and your decision was a very strong and hard one to make.In time oneday he will maybe realise that all this was done for his sake,and that you did it through love only.As love is a very powerful emotion that can never break.love Anne-Marie

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