adoptive mom couldn't love

My adoptive parents were 37 and 39 when they chose me but because (I guess) of being a 'blue baby' (atrial septal defect of the heart) and chronic crying she could not bond with me. Early years memories are being afraid of everyone, including Mom and Dad, and I just couldn't be friendly or even smile. The son they adopted had no problems and after all these years trying to understand why I was so miserable ... apparently his life with them before I came along was good but afterwards my problems must have made him jealous. I needed so much attention, yet I couldn't respond to it, and he was having to contend with a sibling who just couldn't adapt. Not until I turned 16 when they got me a horse was I finally able to start making friends (who they never approved of) but after my horse died it's been the same old problems all over again. My first friend at age 6 I visited so much, she lived on another street in the neighborhood, and Mom said I was wearing out my welcome with her. I have had four friends my entire adult life. I have tried making friends through church and a craft group I've joined but nothing ever happens. I'm so tired and disgusted with people who are looking for the "right kind" of person. I haven't had the social activities to grow from, like school dances, homecoming and hanging out with friends. I was so afraid of boys in high school I could barely talk to one. I never liked seeing my name in print or hearing my name said and I still don't. My birthmother rejected me, refused to meet with me when I was able to locate her, and my adoptive mom was upset and disgusted with me most of the time. Before Mom died I told her 'I just want a relationship with you' and she said 'Oh you just want my money!' How wrong she was. Well my brother is the one who wanted her money and he has always got what he wanted. When we needed a new furnace, he railed on me about wanting a two-stage furnace (another $800) assuming his corporate posture from 6-figure income ... the money comes from the trust Mom set up and he oversees it. The trust is 'for my benefit' but he has a generous amount of latitude to handle it how he sees fit. I just don't understand why my relationships, the few that I've had ... have been so tenuous, like if I blink at the wrong time it's done. And the last time going to a new church, I met with the woman pastor to talk (so she could get to know me) ... well I was on the verge of tears, things just start welling up inside of me and I can't keep them down ... all she did was grill me about my church attendance over the years. Then the next time I mustered up the courage to go to church again, she told me that I had better not try to make any friends now. And then she emails me and asks how I'm doing???!!!!!
I would love to have a friend to meet with for a cup of tea/coffee to just sit and talk, bounce things back and forth, with no oneupmanship involved, you know who's got more, who's done more, who's had it worse, who's had more pain, more surgeries, etc. etc. etc. Just to be able to talk about what's happening without having to install a fortress just to protect myself. I have a better chance of meeting someone nice at the grocery store, unplanned, than I do anywhere else. And with how long it takes to get through check-out ...
Hoping that someone out there knows how I feel.